I had a hard time writing this piece. It wanted to come out, but I was resisting it because I was feeling good and didn't want to feel what I needed to write about my experience with this topic, there is still a lot of pain there. But, true to my path, I stepped back into the fire and burned away my resistance to let this piece come through.
For most of my life, I was living in a state of resistance. I used effort to try and control when and how things would happen. In my head, if I put in 100% effort at all times, I would achieve everything I wanted faster. I didn’t have patience, I didn’t want to wait. But that is a race that never ends. With each accomplishment, there was a new horizon, something more to reach for. All the while, I was stressed and anxious, missing out on opportunities that I could have enjoyed in parallel with my work. None more glaring than spending more time traveling, surfing, exploring, and experiencing life with Karina before her illness.
This is a regret that I am still working on letting go of and forgiving myself for. This perspective is also one of the greatest gifts that Karina has given me. Whenever I resisted, making excuses about working for the future, she would say, “but life is now!” I didn’t understand. I didn’t know how to disconnect from my work just to Be. I didn’t know what it truly meant to let go of resistance and allow the flow of life to carry me wherever I need to go at the time I need to be there.
I do now.
I had a plan for 2022. Karina and I were going to get married in February. We were going to start trying for a child shortly after. By 2023, I was going to be a father. We would have our little family nestled in our little community and be able to begin the next stages of our lives together.
When Karina was diagnosed with cancer in November, I fought hard for this vision. I gave everything I had to keep our dream alive. Every day, every night, I tried to overcome nature and save her. I resisted the natural flow of her life with every ounce of my strength. I ultimately failed, and her passing ripped through me like a wrecking ball, leaving me broken apart, shattered.
As I slowly put myself back together, I came to an understanding:
No matter how hard you try, you cannot control the natural unfolding of life. Stop resisting, go with the flow.
If I were to do it all over again, I would work just as hard to try and save her, without a doubt. But, being more intentional about letting go of resistance may have made the experience a bit less stressful and frustrating. It would still have been devastating because the grief is a reflection of our love, but without resistance, I may have been able to walk with more grace and understanding along the way.
If you’ve ever lost a loved one too soon, you may have spent the next several weeks, months, or even years tormenting yourself over what you could have done to save them. I sure did. This was my final stage of resistance, that strong desire to control or change something of the past that is now beyond reach. My expectation was for her to survive and for us to live the plan we had in place. Holding on to this vision when there is nothing that can be done only leads to stress, regret, and eventually bitterness.
I had to let go of my grip and slowly find my way into a state of allowance. This felt like being caught outside in a blizzard and finally making it home to slip into a warm bath. The vice around my heart began to ease. The anxiety settled. I realized that no amount of effort could change anything, so I just needed to relax and go with the flow. Gratitude crept in.
For me, this looked like walking several miles each day, jumping in the ocean, meditating, therapy, traveling, reading, and writing. Each time that resistance mindset popped up, I found ways to slip back into allowance. Over and over, every day.
Allowance became the goal of each day. I watched my expectations carefully, and when they were broken, I was very intentional about how I reacted. I decided to move with joy and wonderment over fear and control. When my flight got canceled the other week, as described in Cultivating Joy, I allowed an amazing experience to replace what could have been a major headache if I was in resistance.
As I’ve spent more and more time in a state of allowance, I’ve begun to understand some of the magic that occurs in this space. In allowance, you get everything you want in life and more, without the stress and sacrifice. In allowance, you work less, but your work is much more effective, inspired, and productive. You draw in the people and opportunities that will propel you into achieving what you want instead of grinding and reaching to get it.
‘Trying’ is no longer a thing. You do or don’t do. Your work doesn’t feel like work, it feels like an expression of yourself. Your success isn’t just money, but a blend of growth, freedom, and fulfillment. Money becomes a byproduct. You attract the relationships that best serve you, the friends that lift you, and the community that holds you. The ‘bad' things that happen to you aren’t actually bad, but a shift towards something better that you just can’t see yet. All of this, if you allow it to be so.
I’m sure there are some reading this that think this is a bunch of BS. I thought that too when this idea was first introduced to me years ago. I thought, “you can’t get what you want by just letting it come to you.” Well, you're right, not with a resistant mindset you can’t. To truly allow is to align your heart and mind with the vibration of what you want, and only then will it flow into your life.
Shifting away from resistance and into allowance is my primary focus of each day. Doing so puts me into alignment, calms my nervous system, gives me perspective, and brings me joy. Doing so has brought me magical experiences and wonderful people this year. It has helped me heal and found moments of profound peace. For those who have experienced major trauma, it isn’t easy, it takes time and a lot of compassion for yourself, but it is a worthwhile venture. I believe this to be one of a few crucial components of our spiritual evolution. Onwards and Upwards
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