I turned a corner in January, in a good way, but haven't shared much as I am allowing the new energy to settle. As I await clarity on this next phase of my process, I am moving with guidance from my intuition and inspiration. I've spent a lot of time and energy trying to explain how I feel and how that informs the way I live, but no longer feel the need to do so. I am learning to live my life comfortably misunderstood.
Life is not as it was anymore. Last year changed me. I see things differently than I used to. It has been an undertaking just to understand my altered self, my new needs, my different perspective, let alone describe these to others. It can be a very isolating feeling, surrounded by love and support yet still feeling alone, yearning to feel understood.
It is not the fault of anyone; good people with big hearts and listening ears would hold space for me to share. But I often didn’t have the language to explain what was happening. I can feel it, but expressing in a way another can understand is a challenge.
I recently attended a workshop with one of my favorite spiritual teachers, Abraham Hicks. Guided by questions from the audience, the theme of the workshop emerged as “stop trying so hard to be understood.”
It took me a few days for that to sink in. I realized how much time and effort I’ve put into explaining myself this year, only to feel frustrated and misunderstood. By my friends, by my family, and by potential partners. I tried and tried, but never felt like I could express in words what my experience is like and how that informs my day-to-day life.
The challenge, I’ve found, is that it is a constantly evolving process, and is certainly not linear. On Christmas day last year, I found myself in a well of tears, and on New Year's day, a week later, I felt so much joy and gratitude for life. A week after that I felt numb and uninspired. One more week and I was on top of the world. The next I was feeling so grounded and content here in San Diego. The next I had an overwhelming call to flee to the desert.
The highs and lows of this process have calmed as my daily work assimilates into a more comprehensive understanding of life and death, but they still exist in a way that guides me forwards. I don’t fear sadness, I appreciate it and learn from it. I no longer live in a way that conforms to my old rules and expectations, I move based on feeling and inspiration. I no longer take ownership of the feelings of others, nor do I allow another to dictate how I feel.
I can be fully present with someone in the moment, unlike ever before. My intuition is strong, my feelings are becoming clearer, and life is unveiling itself to me with less effort. People come and go from my experience in a more fluid way. I can find gratitude for all of them, even if they don’t understand me and I don’t understand them. I realized that, ultimately, humans are so complex and fluid that truly understanding one another is impossible and, therefore, unnecessary.
What is important is that we hold space for each other to be perfectly imperfect. We allow each other to change our minds. We allow ourselves to misunderstand and be misunderstood. We let go of expectations and seek comfort in the ungroundedness of life. We seek peace in knowing that change is inevitable. We allow the understanding of impermanence to give us the gift of presence. We appreciate all of what we are. And most importantly, we are kind to ourselves and to one another.
I can feel Karina in a more distinct and intentional way now. In the past, I would beg for her help. Now, she comes to me when I’m relaxed, in flow, and doing the things I feel are right for me. She sends me experiences, people, signs, and advice in magnificent ways. She is becoming a stronger presence in my life as I let go of the sadness and the resistance to her death. She resides in a higher vibration that I can access in moments of alignment, by doing what I need to feel good each day.
People don’t often understand this, and I’m finding that to be okay. How this displays itself in my life is sometimes confusing to others, probably frustrating at times, but I’ve learned to prioritize my needs over the judgments of other people. It has become a sort of filter for those who can’t hold space for all of who I am now. I don’t want to explain myself anymore, and am being guided towards people who don’t need me to.
Authenticity doesn’t require explanation. The non-judgmental don’t ask for it.
One of the beauties of being open about my process is the number of people who have reached out and thanked me for voicing something they are experiencing as well, allowing both of us to feel less alone for a moment. These people are my continued inspiration to actively work to understand this process within myself. So we can all feel a little less alone and a little more aware of what is happening within us.
This process is an ever-shifting spiral of expansion, an embrace of the contrast of life, a slowly decelerating pendulum between acceptance and resistance. I took the month of January to allow the energy to settle and find some clarity. I feel ready for what is next, and excited about the mystery in front of me.
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