Onwards and Upwards
- Stephen Hart
- Oct 3
- 7 min read
Last night, I celebrated my 38th birthday at my new home, surrounded by dear friends, my father, and my fiancée, Paige, who is soon to be the mother of my first child.
I had a moment, sitting by the fire in our back yard, where I reflected on the loss of my late fiancée Karina. How, for so long, I felt hopeless. I wondered if I would ever love again. I wondered if I would ever experience joy again. I wondered if I would ever get the things in life that Karina and I planned for: a marriage, a child, and a house to raise a family in. I thought it was all gone. Karina and I took 7 years to build our relationship; it was too daunting to start over.
And yet, here I am. In love with a remarkable woman, engaged again, pregnant with a baby boy, and moved into a house that will raise our family. I felt a flood of gratitude while sitting by a crackling fire, surrounded by laughter and meaningful conversations, realizing that I had achieved what I wanted in life - what I had deserved and earned through all the work and growth I had endured.
It hasn’t been easy. It was not a smooth ride to this place. It wasn’t more than 6 months ago that I was in the depths of anxiety and depression, feeling like I was drowning. Despite running a meaningful business and living with a woman that I loved, I felt a lack of purpose. Days felt meaningless, and I couldn’t find ways to use my time that brought any fulfillment. I was struggling as badly as I ever had, and couldn’t figure out why.
Though I didn’t know it at the time, I was clearing out space for something new and amazing. Through my spiritual work, I was digging deep into crevices of my being to pull out the gunk that has settled over the years. I was feeling things I ran from in the past. It was awful. I didn’t want to feel so horrible. I was afraid I would be that way forever, and I was terrified I could never be happy again.
I kept going, day by day. I didn’t have a choice, really. Time will tick no matter what. In the past, I’ve become quite skilled at distracting myself, either through non-productive vices like smoking weed and doom-scrolling on Instagram, or through productive projects like building my business or working out. Both were distractions, both were ways to run from how I was feeling.
So this time, I stopped doing it all. I stopped looking for new business opportunities. I stopped pursuing new hobbies. I got off Instagram and wholly disconnected from the news. I stepped back, waited, felt, meditated, and largely hoped that something better was coming.
It honestly was a horrible time. I wish I could go back to that version of myself and tell him that wonderful things were yet to come. I could have moved through that period with so much more grace than I did. I could have sat through the anxiety with hope and patience. But instead, I was in dread, certain that I was broken and would never return to joy again. Day by day, I trudged on.
On Mother’s Day, May 11th, I tuned into my mom. I asked for her help.
The message I received was “Why wait?” Why wait for the things that I really want? I’ve done so much work, for myself and for others, it’s time to go for it.
Paige and I went for a stroll on the beach and had the "are we really doing this" conversation, a mixture of fear and excitement. We decided that we were both ready to start trying to have a child. Knowing it might take some time, we figured we could go for it, and it would happen when it was meant to be.
At this point, she had already agreed to a short-term nursing contract in Long Beach that would start the following week and was planning to leave for 10 days or so. But the night before she was supposed to go, she got an email to wait another day. And the same thing the next day, and the next. Halfway through the time she was supposed to be gone, they canceled the contract entirely for no known reason.
I laugh to myself often, thinking that some hospital decision maker in Long Beach unknowingly decided the astrological sign of our child, because during that stretch of time that Paige was supposed to be gone, she ovulated and got pregnant.
It was as if our child was banging at the door, begging for the chance to come into existence, forcing me to feel all the things I needed to to reach the decision point of starting to try. And the first opportunity he had to come through, he did. Due in February, around, or possibly even on, the anniversary of Karina’s passing. A time of year that has been incredibly difficult and traumatic for me will be alchemized into a time of joy with the birth of our son.
A month later, Paige and I attended a meditation retreat on Mount Shasta, a very special place for us. It was on this retreat that our child’s heart began to beat in rhythm, harmonizing with the incredibly high vibes of the people and nature surrounding us. It was also on this retreat that I proposed for the second time in my life, in a sacred place, to the woman that I love. She said yes.
On that retreat, I began to understand what had happened, the purpose of my recent struggles. Karina and I had gotten so far in our relationship before she passed so suddenly. I was climbing that same relationship mountain with Paige, collecting the energy left behind by Karina and me as I went. This process was traumatic and laborious, new but also familiar, and needed to be done before I could move forward in my life.
With the creation of our baby boy, it was the first step beyond what Karina and I had created. And with that step, the vibration of my life lifted dramatically. It was as if the grief I carried over Karina’s death, which was heavy and exhausting, transformed into a balloon that lifted me upwards and brought lightness into my life.
I was shocked at how quickly things shifted, pivoting from that one moment on Mother’s Day, where all of a sudden my life was full of purpose: family.
But the universe wasn’t done. We were entirely ready to raise this child in our one-bedroom apartment on the 3rd floor of our building. Prepared to lug the strollers up and down several flights of stairs each day and turn our closet into a nursery. The San Diego housing market was daunting, and we thought we would never be able to afford the house we wanted here.
On a whim, we went to an open house at a house in an area we thought we might like, and we instantly fell in love. The open house was buzzing, and the realtor shared that there were multiple offers already, so it was now or never if we were interested.
After a deep meditation, we both decided to go for it and trust that if it wasn’t meant to be, the universe would stop us from getting the house.
With no loan approved or agent representing us, we made our best offer. It was not the highest offer submitted, but we got selected anyway. Three weeks later, we were moving into our new home, handing over my apartment of 10 years to a friend who was immediately ready to take over our lease.
If that wasn’t aligned enough, 10 days before our down payment was due, my investment in the cryptocurrency Ethereum, which I had been investing in since 2017, hit its all-time high after several years of a slump, significantly lightening the financial load of buying our house. What better reason to sell my best investment to date than to turn it into a home for my family?
In three months, I got a fiancée, a child, and a home to enjoy with them. Some may call that lucky, but I call it proof. Proof that the work works. Proof that the law of attraction is real. Proof that the best things usually come after the worst.
I am sharing this now to give hope to those who are still in the worst parts of their life. I was there, and I got out, and you can too. The answers are not in substances, not in exercise, not in work, not in money, or pleasure, or attention. The answers are in the connection to our Highest Self, the non-physical part of us that connects us to Spirit, or God, or the Universe, or whatever you want to call it. The answer is in trusting that everything, even the hard times, has its purpose. The answer lies in knowing that we have the capacity to change how we feel, and in doing so, can attract anything we want in life.
My biggest flex in life is not my business, my house, my accomplishments, or even the good I’ve done for my community. I’ve had an incredible woman say yes to spending her life with me, twice. That is my biggest flex. It is being the best version of myself I can be, so that I can be the best partner I can be. That is what I am most proud of. And, coming February, I’ll add being the best father I can be to my resume.
Onwards and Upwards we go.
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