This article is the culmination of an entire wave that I rode so far in 2023. From a high high to a low low and back. It is a realistic expression of the non-linearness of life, of trauma, and of growth. I wrote this piece three different times as my experience of this wave unfolded and settled. It continues to do so, but I received an important understanding worth sharing.
I brought in the New Year on a high note, feeling great, setting intentions, full of optimism about what 2023 had in store. My heart was full, I was excited and ready for a new beginning. As part of my New Year’s ritual, I sit in meditation and allow my intentions to arise from within. I feel how the different thoughts settle in my body and choose what feels best to focus on in the new year.
This year, the quality that rose to the top was Clarity.
To me, Clarity is the absence of resistance on my highest path toward my greatest good. It is the clear voice of my intuition with full faith in what it says. It is the absence of fear of the mystery of the future. It is the gentle guidance in my dharma.
I set the intention that evening and immediately received the synchronicities that I was on the right track. The word “Clarity” kept coming up in podcasts I was listening to, in my therapy sessions, in TV shows I watched, and books that I read. It was such a great start to the New Year, I felt aligned, ready for a year of ease, peace, and clarity.
Instead, what followed was a couple of months of murky, confusing, challenging experiences. Everything in my life seemed to be tested, whether internally or externally. Threats to my businesses, relationships ending abruptly, fears over my own health and well-being, loss of inspiration, and falling into old destructive patterns, all as I attempted to walk the path of Clarity. I felt confused, frustrated, and at times angry. I tried so hard to be okay but got knocked down over and over.
In the middle of this challenging period was the anniversary of Karina’s transition, February 13th. A day that, as it approached, felt like an increasingly heavy anchor attached to my ankle as I was already struggling to keep my head above water.
Interestingly, the actual day of the anniversary was one of my best days. Though there was a lot of sadness, it brought me together with family and friends to celebrate and remember her, strengthening a connection to a higher understanding that seemed to be slipping amidst the turmoil.
Shortly afterward, I slipped back into a funk that I was struggling to cope with. I asked for Clarity and received chaos. I wrote, and deleted, and wrote, and deleted. I couldn’t get anything out of me that I felt worthy of sharing. I felt misunderstood by most people around me, which left me feeling isolated and frustrated, so I spent a lot of time alone. I kept trying to be “okay,” forgetting that, at times, it is okay to not be okay. I literally wrote an article about this a few months ago, but, alas, I forgot.
Honestly, I was just so tired. Often, I would be feeling great and then remember a moment with Karina, get sucked into the sweetness of our relationship, and then remember that I will never see her again. The floor would fall out beneath my feet, and I would desperately reach for a branch to avoid falling deep into the well of my grief. It is such a long fall when you're feeling good, so I resisted. But that resistance was exhausting and I needed a break. So I disconnected. Disassociated. Disregarded. Dismissed. And then packed it all in with guilt.
Then, something clicked. Somewhere in the midst of the murkiness, the message came to me. “Clarity, at times, is seeing what you want by first seeing what you don’t want.” Life can’t always be rainbows and lollipops, there would be no point. We have to face challenges to learn. Contrast is essential for Clarity.
The fatigue I was feeling was a result of fighting how I felt. The well of grief is not to be resisted, nor is it a place to fall into, but an access point to the depth of my being. I can dive in, with grace and intention, and engulf myself in the Love energy that is grief. It’s not easy, but it’s infinitely harder if I scramble and cling to distractions on my way down.
Turns out, I was getting the Clarity that I asked for, just not in the way I expected it to come. I wasn’t clear in knowing what I wanted, so I was being shown things that I didn’t want to help me see. It could have been a lot easier if I allowed this process to unfold instead of fighting it.
Now, I am more able to see what I want because I experienced what I didn’t. I love my company, my community, my staff, and want them all to continue to grow and thrive. I’m letting go of relationships that don’t serve my highest good, and allowing new ones to blossom. I’m learning to better understand myself, replacing the need to be understood by others. I'm discovering what I can do to feel good, healthy, strong, worthy, and confident. I’m allowing life’s contrast to be a lesson, not a nuisance. It’s a process, always.
Recently, I rediscovered something that is now so clear to me. The door to Clarity is presence, and the keys to unlocking that door are physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.
If I am not feeling satisfied in my body, I cannot find peace of mind, process my emotions, or connect to my Highest Self. I took a step back to focus on simple things, one at a time. I looked at my sleep, my diet, my exercise. I sought a sense of satisfaction for everything about my body, loving the parts that concerned me, and appreciating all that I can do with it.
This shift allowed my mind to settle. Feeling good in my body allowed me greater control of what my mind did. I know that where focus goes, grows. So I could then refocus on the good things in my life, my inspirations, my appreciations. I could notice when my mind started to spiral into negativity and reroute the momentum towards something positive.
A settled mind allowed me to understand my emotions better by experiencing them instead of being them. By learning from them instead of being tossed about by them. I could feel what I needed to feel without the chaos and the drawn out lingering effects.
And as my body, mind, and, heart began to settle, my perspective resurfaced above the turmoil of the ocean so I could see it all for what it is. I relaxed back into alignment. Inspiration, creativity, positivity, purpose, ease, and grace came back into my life. It was like taking a breath of fresh air after being held under to just about too long. I feel free once again.
This is Clarity. This is what I asked for. My only task is to remember, and when I do forget, be compassionate with myself, and get back on track once again. Forever, climbing Onwards and Upwards.
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